Mommy May I

This past week has been hell. Complete and total hell. Emotional ride of ups and downs. And the ups weren't nearly as high as the downs. I hate losing control. More than anything. This week it happened - twice.

I take great pride in the fact that I am independent. I do whatever I have to to take care of my family. On Thursday, I was told that the fate of my driving privileges was lying in the hands of a doctor and the oh so nice people at the DL office. Yep. I failed the eye test due to an eye condition that I have had for the past 10 years. Blind spot in one eye. My good eye compensates but the eye test tested them separate. The lady was just so nonchalant about telling me too. Handed me the form that needed to be filled out and of course, all I heard were the words "no longer able to drive". Tunnel vision. Tunnel hearing. All I could think about was how in the world I would take care of my family. That panic sent me into a very nasty downward spiral. Yep, I know I shouldn't worry about things that are out of my control. Things that I don't yet know the outcome of. I suppose on a realistic level, my head just plays out all scenarios until I can find solutions to them all. So I am ready to deal with whatever is tossed my way. It is called preparing myself. It is just the way my brain fires.

So yep, Thursday morning, I cried. Hysterically. For two hours. I didn't lose it. Just cried. One of those cries like your life was coming to an end. Because that is how I felt. It was out of my control and I was trying to come to terms with it all.

Then couple this with an idiot client that seems to think it is ok to tell me that the LONG schedule we are on is MY fault...when she is the one responsible for sending me the change requests and items I need to put up...and hasn't. Add to that, the fact that we are still waiting to hear if the bank involved in the home sale we are bidding on will be accepting our offer...and the fact that EVERYTHING regarding home shopping/moving is on hold while that happens. Add to that the fact that we just went through testing for my kids and had to await those results to see if I was doing THAT part of my life correctly. Add to that, pressure from a relative to rectify a relationship that I am not sure I even want. Then...put in a twist of a busy home life that leads me to not have time to vent all of this properly to the one person that usually listens to me when I am in need of venting.

Major hissy fit. It erupted yesterday. I am not quite sure what set it off. It was a culmination of frustrations with my errand running and the kids being insane. Normal mom stuff that I couldn't add on top of a already heaping plate. I threw things. I cried. I yelled. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Apparently, my hissy fit, wasn't an acceptable means of dealing with my pile of shit. My loving hub made reference to me having "things not right" in my head. "Things not right" = I think you are a mental case in my world. Yeah. *sigh*

So today, I wake up and lay in bed running through my week. It sucked. Plain and simple. I lost it. I expressed in the only way I know to deal with the shit that I had to deal with. That is who I am. I am passionate. I am emotional. But I am also strong. And I know how to do a lot of shit at one time. I can be depended upon. I can run my fucking house like a fine tuned instrument. I deserve to have a hissy fit on occasion. I need my moments to be on overload if the situation warrants it. Especially when my "Me" time gets sacrificed to do the things I do. I know that sacrifice is always my choice. But when I put on my breaks and holler to have it back, I would expect people to respect that. I don't ask for much of it. A lot less than anyone else I know actually.

I haven't had a need to react the way that I did this week in a very long time. I have been damn good at juggling my pile. I know that I will be judged for it. Hell, that is already happening right? Judge away. I am what I am. A mental case. Right? If it is such a bad thing, why is this mental case the one that everyone in the free world turns to when they need something handled? Why am I the one they come to when they need honesty and compassion? I will keep the mental state. I will keep the occasional break downs.

I wasted a week of my life trying to not have the meltdown I had yesterday, when in reality, I knew it was inevitable. I am sorry that my kids saw me in such a vulnerable state. I am also sorry that my husband felt that I was mentally flipping out because I tried longer than I should have to keep myself under control. I am also sorry that I didn't just blog my way through it all. It would have definitely helped. Lessons learned.