Mommy May I

My love - who I wish to torture endlessly

2009-09-06T05:35:00.003-04:00

So. It's 530 AM. On a Sunday. During a holiday weekend. No. I am not just dragging in from a fabulous night. I am sitting here because I was just woken up. For the 8 millionth time tonight. My kids are 9, 11 & 13. THEY didn't wake me up. Nope. It was my darling husband. The one I so lovingly refer to as Octopus Man on occasion. This name he gained by the wrappy thing he does with his legs at night while he is sleeping. Did I mention that I am a tad claustrophobic? Apparently Octopus Man was not having pleasant & loving dreams last night because he proceeded for two entire fucking hours to KICK the shit out of me. While. He. Slept.

I was on the verge of riding the couch to get away from him. Truth is though, I love my bed. More importantly, I love to sleep in my bed. He finally relented with the combat training and I was able to drift off into peaceful slumber. For all of 3 hours. At which point, he climbed himself back into bed and when he slid his leg up for the normal wrap....I apparently flinched. And that wasn't acceptable. He huffed and turned over. Oh yes.

As I lay there with bruises on my legs, I am fuming. After two hours of his uncontrollable bullshit, HE huffed AT ME. I tossed back my covers and let him know what had gone on and that he indeed wasn't getting within 10 feet of my legs. He didn't say a fucking word. Kept his back to me.

Did I mention how I am up at 5 fucking AM on a Sunday. Yeah. Now you know why.

Boy Did I

2009-05-30T09:03:00.002-04:00

This past week has been hell. Complete and total hell. Emotional ride of ups and downs. And the ups weren't nearly as high as the downs. I hate losing control. More than anything. This week it happened - twice.

I take great pride in the fact that I am independent. I do whatever I have to to take care of my family. On Thursday, I was told that the fate of my driving privileges was lying in the hands of a doctor and the oh so nice people at the DL office. Yep. I failed the eye test due to an eye condition that I have had for the past 10 years. Blind spot in one eye. My good eye compensates but the eye test tested them separate. The lady was just so nonchalant about telling me too. Handed me the form that needed to be filled out and of course, all I heard were the words "no longer able to drive". Tunnel vision. Tunnel hearing. All I could think about was how in the world I would take care of my family. That panic sent me into a very nasty downward spiral. Yep, I know I shouldn't worry about things that are out of my control. Things that I don't yet know the outcome of. I suppose on a realistic level, my head just plays out all scenarios until I can find solutions to them all. So I am ready to deal with whatever is tossed my way. It is called preparing myself. It is just the way my brain fires.

So yep, Thursday morning, I cried. Hysterically. For two hours. I didn't lose it. Just cried. One of those cries like your life was coming to an end. Because that is how I felt. It was out of my control and I was trying to come to terms with it all.

Then couple this with an idiot client that seems to think it is ok to tell me that the LONG schedule we are on is MY fault...when she is the one responsible for sending me the change requests and items I need to put up...and hasn't. Add to that, the fact that we are still waiting to hear if the bank involved in the home sale we are bidding on will be accepting our offer...and the fact that EVERYTHING regarding home shopping/moving is on hold while that happens. Add to that the fact that we just went through testing for my kids and had to await those results to see if I was doing THAT part of my life correctly. Add to that, pressure from a relative to rectify a relationship that I am not sure I even want. Then...put in a twist of a busy home life that leads me to not have time to vent all of this properly to the one person that usually listens to me when I am in need of venting.

Major hissy fit. It erupted yesterday. I am not quite sure what set it off. It was a culmination of frustrations with my errand running and the kids being insane. Normal mom stuff that I couldn't add on top of a already heaping plate. I threw things. I cried. I yelled. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Apparently, my hissy fit, wasn't an acceptable means of dealing with my pile of shit. My loving hub made reference to me having "things not right" in my head. "Things not right" = I think you are a mental case in my world. Yeah. *sigh*

So today, I wake up and lay in bed running through my week. It sucked. Plain and simple. I lost it. I expressed in the only way I know to deal with the shit that I had to deal with. That is who I am. I am passionate. I am emotional. But I am also strong. And I know how to do a lot of shit at one time. I can be depended upon. I can run my fucking house like a fine tuned instrument. I deserve to have a hissy fit on occasion. I need my moments to be on overload if the situation warrants it. Especially when my "Me" time gets sacrificed to do the things I do. I know that sacrifice is always my choice. But when I put on my breaks and holler to have it back, I would expect people to respect that. I don't ask for much of it. A lot less than anyone else I know actually.

I haven't had a need to react the way that I did this week in a very long time. I have been damn good at juggling my pile. I know that I will be judged for it. Hell, that is already happening right? Judge away. I am what I am. A mental case. Right? If it is such a bad thing, why is this mental case the one that everyone in the free world turns to when they need something handled? Why am I the one they come to when they need honesty and compassion? I will keep the mental state. I will keep the occasional break downs.

I wasted a week of my life trying to not have the meltdown I had yesterday, when in reality, I knew it was inevitable. I am sorry that my kids saw me in such a vulnerable state. I am also sorry that my husband felt that I was mentally flipping out because I tried longer than I should have to keep myself under control. I am also sorry that I didn't just blog my way through it all. It would have definitely helped. Lessons learned.

Bible Thumping

2009-05-27T10:05:00.000-04:00

I am raising my children to be worldly. To accept people for who they are. To be nice to all living things. To treat people with respect and kindness. There is just one small problem: We are wiccans. This raises the hackles of most Christians that we encounter. You may as well put horns on our heads and pitchforks in our hands.

For the past two years, we have been attending enrichment classes. It's a Christian based program. We knew that going in. For the coming year, we have discovered that a couple of the teachers that we liked, won't be back. They weren't approved to teach classes. They aren't Christians either. Good people with huge amounts of talent yet, not good enough to teach. Add this to a few not so comfy sessions with people preaching to us and asking the kiddos to lead prayers and you have a pretty uncomfy situation.

So, we aren't going back for the coming year. We are expanding our wings. Going to check out some other programs that aren't so....biblish. (Yes, I made a word. Add it to your dictionary.) The thing that sucks: We have friends at the other program that we are going to miss.

I feel deceitful in leaving. Like, if I am honest about WHY, I am going to be the bad guy. Even though, I haven't changed. Their program has. So, if I nicely, so as not to be hurtful or nasty to anyone, make an excuse and quietly walk away - I am not being honest with who I am. Catch 22.

Do what you will, Harm ye none. Right? To me, it translates into keep yer yap closed and be nice at all costs. I still have to evaluate the situation from all angles before I can rightly do it. Overly analytical my ass. Who are they kidding?

So, here we are

2009-05-26T09:19:00.000-04:00

This is ....my 8 millionth blog.

Ok...so not really. I do have a few others though. So here is the scoop. I have had my own domain for ohhhhhh 5 years or so. I have moved it around, had a few different op systems, and countless readers that came and went. I love my domain. Love my blog. But there have been situations, especially lately, that I have refrained from writing about because of the people that know about my domain. Yes. #1 blog taboo. I censored my writing for my readership. I know I shouldn't. They should just deal with the things I spew and get the fuck over it right? Yeah. We aren't living in a perfect world sweet heart. People get their panties in a wad over shit that they shouldn't. They hold grudges. They are idiots.

So, here I am. Mom of 3. Wife of 2. Yeah. The ex and the current. I am owned by some critters. I have psycho friends and an even more psycho family. I do weird shit for fun. I have an identity in blogland. But I am not going there. Not here. I need a place just for me to spew without having people judge me. I need to be able to empty my overly active brain without being analyzed by every person who thinks they are a fucking Dr. Phil. I am NOT normal. I know that and I LOVE that about myself.

I have found myself locked in my bathroom a lot lately, having what I call "meltdowns". These meltdowns are often interrupted by various kids or critters for stupid fucking reasons. Which as you may know, only makes them worse. So, today, as I spewed to my own mom about how frustrated I am and how I lost my only avenue to vent, because people think it's ok to say stupid shit to me (like "don't worry, it will all work out" and the ever so helpful "You just need to relax.") but mostly, because I am too concerned about what people think of me....this idea came to me. Mommy, May I. That old game we used to play as kids. Only in my case, I am not asking for two giant steps forward. I am only asking for permission to spew. Vent. Scream. Throw things. Call people names. And occasionally feel sorry for myself.

Mommy, may I have a meltdown please.